Monday, October 17, 2016


Dropped mom off at Newark Airport today. I went in, forced myself to. I am well enough to cope, but it wasn't easy. Some panic came over me. And yes, horrible thoughts about terrorists that went into that building. How it affects me...still.

I wasn't able to go far--a good thing because if I'd lost sight of an exist, I'd be more frantic--but got her to the security gate. Hard to say goodbye to her on top of all my anxiety but she's off on a trip with her best friend to see her brother. Happy for her.

I left and cried because of it all. And because of where I am as a result. Better, but still wounded.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Set yourself up for success.

I felt like stress was going to eat me alive the other day. I had to drive about an hour away for a meeting with a new client, and all my "old" anxiety feelings came up. It's hard to distinguish old from new. I think it's important, though.

The old fear was happening to me in real time, so it felt new, but the feelings were based on old fears. (My favorite (not): Being trapped.)

I had to go into a corporate building with a ton of security...and ride an elevator. I hate elevators as is, but the last thing you want a prospective client to see if you panicking in an elevator. I didn't. I talked and made conversation in a lighthearted way. I guess tha'ts a coping mechanism. Who cares...whatever works.

I also managed to sit through a meeting and I'm not sure how. It wasn't easy. But I was in a better place than I used to be.

When I was sick, it's not that I could have done these things and just pushed through (well, I could have and probably had negative results.) I had to wait until I did some healing. Set myself up for success, if you will.

Really, I had to give myself permission to not do things that were out of my league for a while. Maybe sitting in the foyer of this monster buildingwould have been possible when I was acutely sick, but not the whole going in an elevator to the second floor and sitting through a meeting. That's okay, though. I guess that's what I am trying to say.

It was hard to purposefully not strive to do hard things...I thought that by doing them I'd get better. You don't really overcome those hard things/fears unless you set yourself up for success. 

Take baby steps. Even if every voice in your head tells you you're weak for not being able to just jump into that hard thing.

Have you done this and succeeded?

Monday, October 3, 2016


The sun is out. Why am I inside if the sun is out? It's been cloudy/raining for about a week here at the Jersey Shore. I was just working a bit and headed out to take a walk so I can chase the sun.

Things have been kind of rough here. You know when you're going through a hard time and you're at the stage where you know you're coming out of it, you have faith you will, it's just like...when? And every time you think you're out it's like, no? Yeah, that's been me. For two months. With work.

Work has been really slow and I guess for some people who cares, but self-employment is so different. Thank God (seriously, thank you, God) that my finances didn't suffer, but I definitely went into the mindset of when I was younger and broke and conserving every dime. (And then splurging on Starbucks as an indulgence. Hey, I get a free drink every now and then with my rewards!)

Anyway, it just brought me back to this old mindset place. And while I wasn't like, totally depressed, (awesome to see how much I've grown since the days when I would be devastated by something) I was very down. It's not easy to just do nothing or work on other projects when you're not working and perfectly capable of it.

Today the sun came out, and I had a call about a new gig and things are coming in. Slowly, surely. The sun has come out in many ways. But sometimes, it's just nice to actually see it, too.