Sunday, February 21, 2016

15 Things You Need To Know About People Who Have Concealed Anxiety

A Facebook friend posted this article, and I haven't stopped thinking about it.

15 Things You Need To Know About People Who Have Concealed Anxiety

That was me. All 15. And this author hit the nail on the head, articulating so many things that I've been trying to in my book. The thing is, it's really hard writing about that old stuff you can't articulate. It's not just saying, "I had a hard time traveling." When I was agoraphobic--and I was--I didn't know that I was, really. I just felt my world imploding around me. And I was so Type A at the time, that I was able to--for the most part--hide it.

And now that I have done some healing--and believe you me, I'm grateful for it because I realize some people never make their way "out"--it's hitting me all over again. Reading about those old feelings.

Sometimes things come up in my life that kind of stir up those old fears, old mindsets. I fear of relapsing. I fear of living with agoraphobia, and I fear living in a concealed anxiety cocoon. There is no healing in concealed anxiety, and you don't even know that because you can hardly think about managing your anxiety because you're holding on to it so fiercely so no one can see.

My days of concealed anxiety are largely behind me, mostly because I am more apt to be open and reach out for help now. Yet I feel the need to explore it again. Not just because I'm writing a memoir (named after this blog) but I guess it's part of my continued healing.

I couldn't see how sick I was until I got better. Now I see how diseased my mind was, and I don't know why I can't help but stare. Feeling grateful I'm no longer there, but feeling so fixated that I can't walk away. Kind of like when you pass a car crash on the road and you don't want to slow down and look, but you do.

Why am I looking? Why am I revisiting? What's there for me to see?

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