Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Holiday blues

I suppose that everybody has some variation of the holiday blues. For me the holidays were always happy as a kid but when I grow up they seem to get more depressing.

Maybe it was because of those somber Christmas is living with my father and having very little money, or maybe it was that as I grew older more loved ones in my family passed away and Christmas was never the same without them.

There are so many loved ones that I never spent Christmases with but love so much and just knowing that they are gone seems to make the holidays worse. I know a lot of people go through this.

Today I was wondering why I have such a love/hate relationship with Christmas. It's definitely not because of the spiritual reasons because I certainly am grateful for and celebrate the birth of Jesus. But when you look around it's hard to be happy when things are missing. People, I mean.

Why do we fixate so much on the people that have passed and the fact that they are no longer physically present? They are very much with us spiritually, I guess that's something that I believe being a Christian. I always feel that the people who have passed are still very much a part of my life watching over me. Yet I still miss them. Especially this time of year.

And wonder why it is so hard sometimes to forget about the wonderful things that are ahead of us and those who are with us on Christmas. For instance, I miss my uncle Bob and my grandmother and my Italian nan who died on this day in 1997 so much, but I am also so fortunate to have three beautiful nieces and a nephew and a husband and a wonderful family that was an addition to my life around the time when so many people I love passed away. I also still have many people in my life that were with me as a kid who I cherish very much.

Why can't I just focus on them and be happy? I am happy but also sad.  I guess if you are a glass-half-empty person you always think about what is missing and loved ones who have passed certainly can't be present physically so you definitely feel their absence. But I'm not really a glass-half-empty kind of girl I work very hard to be a glass-half-full person. Still, the holidays tend to hit a sore spot in my heart.

It is funny how things come and go as you grow older.  The generation of adults that you grew up idolizing pass on and leave you in this brave new world that is your life. You make friends you add family members and you morph into this whole other version of family.

There are now children in my life, thank God, and they don't replace those who have passed but they certainly make my life richer. I guess it's just how timing goes old people pass away young children are born and that's the way life goes. I suppose that when you don't have children  you  tend to ruminate on things a little more because you are not pulled in the direction of all the energy that children bring. Somewhere in the middle, here I am thinking about both what I have lost and what I have gained.

I guess overall I feel so blessed to have loved so many wonderful people in the past and present. I hope that every Christmas even if you are missing people or lonely or sad or anxious that you can find some sort of peace between past and present...and hope for the future.

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