Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Not good enough?

You know how you feel when someone articulates the exact feeling you have...exactly? That elation when someone hits a nerve of sorts--a tender spot--that makes you feel complete relief that, "Yes, another human being does feel that way?"

That's kind of everything. That's huge.

As a writer, I'm not sure I will ever be able to give people that "aha" moment. I try, but I don't really. I just try to convey my own thoughts without trying to connect the dots. I trust that others know what I mean. Especially those reading an anxiety blog...we all just "get" each other, right?

Kira Elliott did that for me today--she articulated something that seems impossible to do, and she got me. I bet she got a lot of people with the wonderful way she writes, conveys what she feels.

I don't always get to do that, being in copywriter/journalist mode. I'm all about the sales benefits, the who-what-when-where-why when I'm writing. It's so fleeting that I get to just write for the pleasure of it. (Perhaps that's why my book is such a slow-go. I want it to be more than a transcription of what happened...I want to connect dots, find the beauty in my uncomfortable experiences, and make it something that inspires others. It's hard enough to remember events that happened four, seven, twelve years ago...then to make it eloquent? Hard work.)

Even on here. I'm always trying to keep up...keep the blog fresh. Most of the time, I just spew ideas. I guess I'm okay with that.

Go read her post, though. If you've ever felt like you're not enough. It's a good reminder that you are enough. And that it's vital to pause.

What currently happens is I am filled with this drive to do more and be more. I am never satisfied. I am suffering. I am filled with hungry ghosts of not good enough. And here is where I get stuck, I want to change, let go of the habit of constant motion and extreme effort so I get out the only tool I have or really know how to use, the big ass hammer of extreme 120% effort. I go all in and try to change with 120% effort. I use the very same mindset to change what I want to let go. It is a mess because I fail at changing which then makes me feel bad which leads me to find something I can excel doing so I can feel better. The cycle loops around and around.


And...out of curiosity, who gets it?

Monday, June 15, 2015

The landscape.

I was landscaping this weekend...putting in a new fence and bed in our front yard. Yesterday, when all was done and I could hardly move, I snuck off to the beach for an hour. I was thinking about the landscape of the beach. And how the landscape of something may not change, but our perception of it can change.

For the last few weeks, though, since we returned from Hilton Head, I just couldn't get that beach out of my head. The compact sand you could bike on...the calm water...the warm water...the dolphins always visible off the coast. Somehow, when I returned to New Jersey, I wanted nothing more than that beach...I wanted to be back in Hilton Head, and thought the rugged Jersey coast wasn't as pretty, or couldn't compare. I hated that, because I have always adored the Jersey Shore. I didn't want to love another beach more than it.

The Jersey Shore is my every day landscape...I want to be able to appreciate it instead of traveling 12 hours once a year to enjoy another beach. I want to be present...love the beach I have. For the first time, I kind of couldn't. I loved it, but I loved Hilton Head more. That's nice, but I want my beach to be my favorite...I never want to be that person that's always looking elsewhere for happiness. I want to be happy with what I  have, right in front of me. The same way I don't want to be one of those "I'll be happy when..." people--I want to be happy with what I have...right here, right now.

Yesterday, looking at the landscape of the beach, I realized that my love affair with the Jersey Shore beaches finally returned. Even though I walked the boardwalk throughout the year, the beach wasn't the same until I could plant my chair in the sand on a hot day and enjoy the water. Now that I can, the beach has a totally different landscape to me. It's changed. It returned to me.

I guess what I a trying to say is that it's important to appreciate what you have, what's right in front of you. Usually, I don't have a problem with that...until I saw a beautiful beach and went to a lovely place. Now, though, when I was able to really be on my beach, I was able to embrace the beauty around me. I'm glad, because the beach means the world to me. It's nice to know that paradise is a mere 10-minute drive. We make our own paradise...no matter where it is.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015


Things have been all right here. Same old. I can't complain about that. I've been working and taking care of my house. There's been some intermittent panic, but nothing that's carried me away. I am learning to weather those storms so much better...they that used to overtake me.