Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Push and pull.

There's no one way to healing. I know that, I just have to remind myself of it. Like, on the hour.

I'm a pusher. Type A to the max. This is why the concept of "baby steps" was so hard to grasp. Who wanted to take steps? I just wanted to arrive--at everything. I wanted to instantly conquer fears. Instantly eradicate anger. Overcome panic disorders in a single therapy session. It doesn't work like that.

Sometimes when I see programs that promise to eliminate anxiety "for good" I feel helpless. I also have to laugh. Anxiety isn't something you's something you live with. That level of anxiety hopefully decreases so you can live, but I don't think it ever really goes away.

Especially when you're being triggered, or dealing with things that used to scare you in the past.

In yoga, my teacher Laurie always says "it's a push and pull" when we're in poses that require you to push and pull at the same time in order to get the proper position and stretch. Anxiety's kind of like that. It's a balancing act. You have to move forward, but you have to take baby steps. And you have to be okay with the fact that you have to take baby steps.

I swear, just accepting that I needed to take baby steps, giving myself permission to take baby steps, and not shaming myself for needing them, took up a large portion of my time in therapy.

This week, I'm grappling with some anxiety. I want to just arrive at being free of it, but I have to go through. And to do that, I have to take baby steps. There's nothing wrong with it. I just have to remind myself that it's perfectly okay to find that balance of trying to push through but not pushing so hard. That's my Achilles heel in my healing--giving myself permission to move at the pace that helps me instead of the pace that I want to accelerate.

What's your push and pull?


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