Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Push and pull.

There's no one way to healing. I know that, I just have to remind myself of it. Like, on the hour.

I'm a pusher. Type A to the max. This is why the concept of "baby steps" was so hard to grasp. Who wanted to take steps? I just wanted to arrive--at everything. I wanted to instantly conquer fears. Instantly eradicate anger. Overcome panic disorders in a single therapy session. It doesn't work like that.

Sometimes when I see programs that promise to eliminate anxiety "for good" I feel helpless. I also have to laugh. Anxiety isn't something you's something you live with. That level of anxiety hopefully decreases so you can live, but I don't think it ever really goes away.

Especially when you're being triggered, or dealing with things that used to scare you in the past.

In yoga, my teacher Laurie always says "it's a push and pull" when we're in poses that require you to push and pull at the same time in order to get the proper position and stretch. Anxiety's kind of like that. It's a balancing act. You have to move forward, but you have to take baby steps. And you have to be okay with the fact that you have to take baby steps.

I swear, just accepting that I needed to take baby steps, giving myself permission to take baby steps, and not shaming myself for needing them, took up a large portion of my time in therapy.

This week, I'm grappling with some anxiety. I want to just arrive at being free of it, but I have to go through. And to do that, I have to take baby steps. There's nothing wrong with it. I just have to remind myself that it's perfectly okay to find that balance of trying to push through but not pushing so hard. That's my Achilles heel in my healing--giving myself permission to move at the pace that helps me instead of the pace that I want to accelerate.

What's your push and pull?

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Lack of therapist.

Is it possible to miss one's therapist? I do. I miss her so much. I stopped going more than six months ago, and it still seems so odd to me not to be in therapy. We both decided I didn't need to do anymore "work" unless I wanted to go back for additional EMDR. Right now, I don't need that.

It's still weird--life after therapy, that is. Of course, challenges still arise, but none that have had me reaching for my phone to call my therapist and beg for an appointment. How's that possible? I suppose I have healed. Maybe not completely, but for now, I can function so much better than I used to.

When I was sick for about a decade, and twice quite acutely for about a month during each break, I couldn't imagine the next moment let alone life after therapy. All I wanted was life without anxiety. But I guess because I no longer want that, it shows that maturity.

I mean, at some point, I was hoping to get well. That's why I spent all that money on therapy. I guess it's just odd when it finally happens. When you realize that you're stronger and healthier. It doesn't mean you'll never need therapy again, but it means you're better equipped to deal with life on your own.

And I am, and that's cool. I just really miss her. How could I not? She was with me for more than a decade, holding my hand...holding my heart.

Friday, March 6, 2015

How anxiety impairs our decision-making skills.

How Anxiety Affects Your Decision-Making Skills


The last three times your boss called you into his office, it was to praise your work and give you new responsibilities. But today, her disapproval makes it feel like she's considering firing you. How does her next meeting request make you feel?

Or what about those final-round candidates you’re considering hiring—if the last two people you brought onboard were duds, will you go with the safe bet or the risky one?

If you’re anxiety-prone, the choices you make in the future may be skewed by past burns—and science backs those nerves up. Anxious people are more prone to making bad decisions, according to research out this week from UC Berkeley.

Read the rest of the article at Fast Company.


Thursday, March 5, 2015


Another day, another snowfall.

I'm not complaining. Life could be worse. This is winter. And if you think about it, it's known as this cold, "bad" time of year, but is it really so?

Underneath the ground, spring is waiting to arise. It couldn't without winter. Kind of like how we can't grow without trials. (Leave it to me to find the anxiety analogy, right?)

I've got some cabin fever, mostly because I work from home, but I'm not going to let it get me down. Things could be so much worse. I like to use this sort of thing as a life lesson. In a few days, the snow will melt and hopefully I will finally be able to see the entire lawn, which I don't remember at this point. But life could be worse.

Without snow, how would I have done snow angels after the Patriots won the Super Bowl? It's the little things, folks.