Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Heavy thoughts.

Every year, Christmastime gets a little easier. I'm one who focuses on The Reason for the Season, but it's hard not to get sad about loved ones that are no longer with me. Somehow, I think they should be here at Christmas. I mean, I miss them all the time, but Christmas can just be hard when you're celebrating with someone you love in Heaven.

This year, I lost two cats. Two. That's insane, and there doesn't seem to be a reason why two of my furbabies went to the Rainbow Bridge. All I can do is trust that they are where they're supposed to be, and that we'll be reunited again.

Trying to focus on the positive and embrace Christmas as an adult.  It's different than when I was a kid and it was the biggest deal ever. It's still a big deal, I just need to come to grips that it won't always be the same--it's not supposed to.

I was thinking about an old friend today. I don't know why... I guess because I was thinking of people who aren't with me. There's so much I wish I could tell her, but at the same time, it would be a waste. Though I've told her I forgave her for what she did to me, I want her to know that I no longer want her in my life--she probably thinks I do. She's nice, but she's a bad person. She was in my life when I was unhealthy and lived by emotion. This is the type of person I don't miss at Christmas. I wish her well, but that doesn't mean I miss her. I miss the role she had in my life, but God filled it with so many more true friends. Still, sometimes I hate that anything bad ever went down between us. (She probably doesn't even think so, hence the reason why I don't want her in my life.) I wish every connection, even when a person leaves our life, could be on good terms. I hate unresolved things. And I hate wasting my energy thinking about someone that doesn't deserve it.

On the flip side, I am so proud of the person I have become. I sometimes wish I was this person during my whole life. I didn't always live with intention. Didn't always communicate well. And I wasn't always grateful. I guess it's just part of growing up...but when you get to a good point, you kind of want to go back.

I need to stop looking back. There's nothing good for me there. Except for the people--and cats--I miss in Heaven. Those are parts of my past I want to embrace...but look forward at the same time. I move forward with them.

Lots of heavy thoughts this time of year.


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