Tuesday, December 30, 2014

2014

What a wonderful year. Not because if all the good things that happened. There were bad too... my year certainly had its low points. Happens to all of us.

This year I learned how to create goodness. Take things in. Find beauty in anything. Revel in clarity. These are super important lessons that I will treasure going forward.

So I can't really do one of those "see ya 2014" or "2015 is going to be my year" posts. Every day has greatness, positivity and beauty. If that doesn't come to us, we have to go out and create it. We have to make moments. We have to work hard to grow. We have to add good things into our lives.  If we can, that supercedes any negatives. And it makes life pretty dang spectacular.

No bad days. Still my mantra of choice. That's the key to writing an "I had a great year and next year's going to be even better" post.

My wish is for you to find happiness and peace. Happy new year, friends.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Heavy thoughts.

Every year, Christmastime gets a little easier. I'm one who focuses on The Reason for the Season, but it's hard not to get sad about loved ones that are no longer with me. Somehow, I think they should be here at Christmas. I mean, I miss them all the time, but Christmas can just be hard when you're celebrating with someone you love in Heaven.

This year, I lost two cats. Two. That's insane, and there doesn't seem to be a reason why two of my furbabies went to the Rainbow Bridge. All I can do is trust that they are where they're supposed to be, and that we'll be reunited again.

Trying to focus on the positive and embrace Christmas as an adult.  It's different than when I was a kid and it was the biggest deal ever. It's still a big deal, I just need to come to grips that it won't always be the same--it's not supposed to.

I was thinking about an old friend today. I don't know why... I guess because I was thinking of people who aren't with me. There's so much I wish I could tell her, but at the same time, it would be a waste. Though I've told her I forgave her for what she did to me, I want her to know that I no longer want her in my life--she probably thinks I do. She's nice, but she's a bad person. She was in my life when I was unhealthy and lived by emotion. This is the type of person I don't miss at Christmas. I wish her well, but that doesn't mean I miss her. I miss the role she had in my life, but God filled it with so many more true friends. Still, sometimes I hate that anything bad ever went down between us. (She probably doesn't even think so, hence the reason why I don't want her in my life.) I wish every connection, even when a person leaves our life, could be on good terms. I hate unresolved things. And I hate wasting my energy thinking about someone that doesn't deserve it.

On the flip side, I am so proud of the person I have become. I sometimes wish I was this person during my whole life. I didn't always live with intention. Didn't always communicate well. And I wasn't always grateful. I guess it's just part of growing up...but when you get to a good point, you kind of want to go back.

I need to stop looking back. There's nothing good for me there. Except for the people--and cats--I miss in Heaven. Those are parts of my past I want to embrace...but look forward at the same time. I move forward with them.

Lots of heavy thoughts this time of year.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Losing it, gaining it.

The past week or so got a little crazy. We hosted one Thanksgiving and went to another, so Tim and I are a little turkeyed out.

Then, poof, it's Christmas time and the shopping begins--except I'm not really that interested in it this year. Didn't buy a single thing on Cyber Monday.

I realized about two weeks ago that my wedding rings are MIA. It's been utterly devastating, but I can honestly see all the lessons and insights one can gain from being in a bad situation. It helped me see that life could be so much worse. And remind me about what matters most. I still pray they turn up. If nothing else, maybe it'll be a good essay.

Lately, I'm a tad down in the dumps about my career, though. I mean, the ups and downs come with being a self-employed writer--and yes, I wrote a book on it, too. It just seems like no cool things are coming through. I'm working and I have projects, but I'm getting low-balled on a few. And this whole "just charge more" mentality doesn't always work unless you can go out there and get new clients. And I had, but then they kind of fell of the wagon as far as giving me more work. My days are filled with endless rejection letters (mainly because I'm shopping my kids book idea) but also filled with a lot of silence. Just when you think a client has forgotten you, they often pop back in with something they needed done last week. Makes you feel like you're the bottom of the barrel sometimes, no matter how "glamorous" writing my seem.

It's hard to get "in" to where I want to to--ideas for stories are great, but a magazine doesn't want them; great marketing agencies only want someone onsite hours away. I know my time will come. That's the great thing: Anything can happen. One call can turn my world back around, so I'm just working quietly and trusting that it will come in.

Those are my latest ramblings. Still grateful through it all, and staying positive. I'm glad, because these feelings used to really derail me.