Sunday, June 15, 2014

The haze.

Today was like being beat in the face by my anxiety. I'm not sure why, but I woke up lonely and feeling aimless. I think I'm starting to see that if I want an enjoyable "fun" day, it sucks to be alone. I can do most anything alone. I work alone. I work on the house projects alone (and I love doing most of it alone), but when I want to relax, I kind of panic.

I felt depressed for no reason. I was more anxious because I couldn't gauge how I was feeling. I felt powerless, which made me feel more anxious. I had this weird "drifting" feeling, like no matter what I did or where I was, it didn't matter. And physically, I felt a little spacey, my head a little sore and not "dizzy" but the familiar anxiety haze.

I did go to Sea Girt and walk the boards, and that helped. Now I'm  home, still unsure of what I'm doing with today. My husband works a lot of crazy hours, you see. He works a lot of weekends. On weekdays when he's home, I try to be there with him, but I've usually got to stop and do work stuff.

It's hard to put that feeling out there, that lonely, vulnerable feeling. I can just hear everyone else saying, "I wish I was bored and had a day for nothing."

That's not true. I have tons to do, but I'm trying to take a day off. I think this is where I sort of stumble. Maybe it's in not having a plan? Maybe it's in this depressing feeling that the weekend is over soon, or that I have a big drive tonight (but to see Il Volo in concert, which I know will be all worth it). I wish I knew how to make my weekdays feel more like weekends. Like, why don't I go work on the boardwalk one day? Or take time off on weekdays? It just feels odd. Therefore, I dread work weeks sometimes.

I'm also in a fog about my next book, and I'm not sure if I can say much about it. A publisher is interested, but I'm not sure if we're aligning, or if I should change too much about my work to please them. Others just haven't responded. So frustrating.

So tomorrow, my solution is to wake up and tell myself it's Saturday. I'm going to try to tell myself that lie all week. Maybe that will make things better.

I guess the good thing--as it should be, after a decade in therapy--is that I see how I feel and I don't get stuck in it too long. That is, I hope I won't be here too long. I know there are good things coming, and I know there are good things even in struggle. Really, this is just strength conditioning...mental strength conditioning.

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