Monday, June 16, 2014

Stay in faith.

Day 2 of taking a crazy-long walk on the beach in Sea Girt. I'm finding it's like a meditation. It's a way to just think. Get lost in my head and try to sort things out. On this walk, I felt everything. Upsetment over feeling my latest bout of depression (I know, it only really started yesterday but it's been gripping) and excitement.

One thing I learned, the big takeaway, was that I am trying too hard to figure out what I want. I am feeling bummed about my career for different reasons. I am feeling purposeless, or at least low on purpose fuel. 

Why am I trying to figure it all out though? What's the point of believing in God if I don't practice what He teaches me? 

He teaches me to stay in faith.
To take one day at a time.
Not to figure it all out.
To lean on Him.

Why am I not doing that???

Why am I not proving my faith? All I have to do is trust that He holds what's best. That He will help me heal, find solutions, find my way. 

I don't have to figure it all out.

I just need to walk my own walk. Staying in faith as I march on.

One step in front of another.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

The haze.

Today was like being beat in the face by my anxiety. I'm not sure why, but I woke up lonely and feeling aimless. I think I'm starting to see that if I want an enjoyable "fun" day, it sucks to be alone. I can do most anything alone. I work alone. I work on the house projects alone (and I love doing most of it alone), but when I want to relax, I kind of panic.

I felt depressed for no reason. I was more anxious because I couldn't gauge how I was feeling. I felt powerless, which made me feel more anxious. I had this weird "drifting" feeling, like no matter what I did or where I was, it didn't matter. And physically, I felt a little spacey, my head a little sore and not "dizzy" but the familiar anxiety haze.

I did go to Sea Girt and walk the boards, and that helped. Now I'm  home, still unsure of what I'm doing with today. My husband works a lot of crazy hours, you see. He works a lot of weekends. On weekdays when he's home, I try to be there with him, but I've usually got to stop and do work stuff.

It's hard to put that feeling out there, that lonely, vulnerable feeling. I can just hear everyone else saying, "I wish I was bored and had a day for nothing."

That's not true. I have tons to do, but I'm trying to take a day off. I think this is where I sort of stumble. Maybe it's in not having a plan? Maybe it's in this depressing feeling that the weekend is over soon, or that I have a big drive tonight (but to see Il Volo in concert, which I know will be all worth it). I wish I knew how to make my weekdays feel more like weekends. Like, why don't I go work on the boardwalk one day? Or take time off on weekdays? It just feels odd. Therefore, I dread work weeks sometimes.

I'm also in a fog about my next book, and I'm not sure if I can say much about it. A publisher is interested, but I'm not sure if we're aligning, or if I should change too much about my work to please them. Others just haven't responded. So frustrating.

So tomorrow, my solution is to wake up and tell myself it's Saturday. I'm going to try to tell myself that lie all week. Maybe that will make things better.

I guess the good thing--as it should be, after a decade in therapy--is that I see how I feel and I don't get stuck in it too long. That is, I hope I won't be here too long. I know there are good things coming, and I know there are good things even in struggle. Really, this is just strength conditioning...mental strength conditioning.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Conscious booksmith.

Did I tell you I'm a writer? I am. It's what I do for a living . I work full-time from home as a copywriter and journalist.

This blog isn't directly tied into my work stuff, because I want to keep my copywriting and journalism sort of separate. This blog is personal to me, but I'm not afraid to share it with the world. (Hopefully a client doesn't hear I am "crazy" and rethink hiring me, right?)

Maybe this blog will be more professional. That is, if I can publish a book on anxiety and tie the blog into it. Maybe then, will be splashed across Who knows. I'm not there yet.

That's my next project. Not the only one, but one of them. It's my main focus, as I wait to try to get another project published.

I have been pecking away at this book, a hodgepodge right now. I am in the "just freaking write" stage. Elaborating on personal memories that I thought were long gone. Really getting down to detail. And when I do this, my writing comes alive. Seriously freaking alive.

I'm hoping to maybe take snippets from the blog and put them in the book or vice versa. Or to use the blog as a supplement when the book is in print. (Note, I said "when" because I'm all about that law-of-attraction-positive-faith thing.) I'd love to publish the book with a pretty url to this page on it, so people can keep up with my journey and continue to connect.

Today, I got all my materials for the Conscious Booksmith course by Christine Mason Miller. Okay, I admit that I contributed to it, but the course has 30 chapters packed with information about writing mindfully. So I'm going to use it as I continue with my book. My dream. My vision. My baby.

Christine was awesome enough to put a quote of mine in her gorgeous handwriting. I totally treasure this:

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Beat anxiety now.

Beat Anxiety Now
ADAA is a partner in the largest worldwide event for people with anxiety or depression. The Beat Anxiety Now World Online Summit runs June 16-25, 2014. Learn from more than 20 experts how to beat your anxiety and depression. Up to four presentations will be held live in real time every day.

* Learn the tools, techniques, and    
  information to help alleviate your anxiety symptoms.
* Discover how to help someone in your life who is living
  with an anxiety disorder or depression.

Register here and then log in from your computer anywhere in the world to attend. Early-bird price ends at midnight June 4 ET. (Use special promo code BAN14 at checkout.)

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Desire Map.

Tonight I began The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. I love starting a new book and knowing it is an exact place where I am supposed to be.


Woke up feeling completely under the weather. I thought it was just allergies, but I'm thinking it's not. Good thing I'm not bogged down with too much work today. I was able to take a nap, but I couldn't tell if I was sleeping. It was one of those kinds of days.

I'm feeling a little muddy lately, mentally. Unfocused. I want to work work work but I always find myself wanting to take a break, too.

This weekend, I did a lot of driving. And while driving used to be super-difficult and not event attemptable when I was really sick, it was okay this weekend. It helped me see how far I've come. I was still cautious though. In the past, I had panic attacks on the road, and it's the scariest. But I've taken baby steps to get comfortable on the road, and by myself. If I hadn't, I doubt I'd leave the house or do much else. We have to make those small steps when it feels right. We always have to try.

And we have to know when to back off. When to rest. When to give ourselves a break. Our bodies can help us tune into our needs, though that can be hard when you're acutely riddled by anxiety.

Today, I'm not anxious. Just exhausted. So I'm backing off, taking a break, and giving myself a sick day.