Sunday, March 16, 2014

It's all about balance.

Life is all about balance. Tug, release. Grip, let go. You have to know when to go for it, and when to surrender.

Lately, I'm learning a lot about that...surrender. I got to speak with Judith Orloff the other day, who has a new book on surrender. I realize that I have really learned to let go a lot, especially over the past few years. The things that used to cause me to freak (and then lead to panic) don't get me as much. I try to keep my stress levels down so they don't turn into anxiety and panic. Once you can break the panic cycle and get your head clear a little, it's easier to find your way out. Of course, getting to that great point of pause, or clarity, or maybe even getting through a day or week without a panic attack can be hard for a lot of people. I used to be there, panicking frequently. At the height of my illness, multiple times a day. The rest, when not "in" an attack was spent fearing another.

Some things I am good at surrendering. Others, well, there is still room for improvement. I'm trying to surrender feelings of when I want something so bad and get frustrated. Today I just wanted to sit in a cafe and browse magazines or write. I couldn't really give myself that today for a few reasons, so I just had to let go. Accept. Deal. But I did make the time to sit in my bedroom, where I am now, in the quiet, and write. So I'm giving into that little inner child who just wanted to laze around all day.

Right now, my mother is staying with us. My poor mom has had three knee replacements in the past two and a half years. The first one was poor-managed and grew scar tissue. They replaced it again (after going to a new doctor) and then had to "manipulate it" after to make sure scarring didn't occur again. My mom had her knee surgery three weeks ago and I'm hoping we are working it enough so she doesn't have to go back to be knocked out and have her leg bent back again.

I like having my mother here, but I'm not used to another person in the house. It kind of makes me wonder how I lived with her and my sister growing up. My husband works much of the day, so I'm used to spending a large part of it alone. This is something I need to surrender to. Right now, I don't have a lot of alone time. But I can make some semi-alone time. (My mom is cool, she gives me space and isn't super needy.) Still, having someone else here takes some getting used to. In other words, it's all about balance. Take some time out for me, make some time with her. I'm trying to take advantage of her visit too--do things we don't normally get to do.

When someone else is around you that normally isn't, you realize how much you relish your alone time. Not that you don't want to be around them, you just realize how much you come to like being alone. To having time to do whatever you want. I think this week I'll make some time to get out of the house. Go somewhere alone. I want my mom around, but I need that sense of self too.

It's all about balance.


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