Sunday, January 8, 2017

2017.

Sorry I haven't written. Not sure if anyone is out there, but I am thinking of you all. Dealing with some internal struggles now and trying to take care of myself.
That's why it's like crickets up in here.

Leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you!!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Cold, dreary, dull.

Some days, I feel like I've taken a gagillion steps back. I guess I feel liek that today because of the weather. Lots going on. This sadness is something that I know too well, so when I start feeling it, I begin to panic inside.

I'm trying to put on the toolbelt, figure out what will work to help me feel better. I'm just not sure what the heck that is, or really if anything can help.

I swear, it's the time of year. Anniversaries. End-of-the-year "where am I" inventory. Plus, I am allergic to cold and hubs and I are headed to a Patriots game this weekend--normally, I am practically peeing in my pants. But I fear feeling trapped in the cold. That's odd, eh? I don't want to be cold. Cold makes me feel so depressed. I wonder WHY.

Well, think, Kristen. It makes me feel out of control and trapped--hello, the basis of all anxiety. So I guess in some DSM-5 way, it makes sense.

I also think maybe it's something to do with associating negative things with cold. Not just my hives. Deaths. Winter. I dunno. Does anyone feel good when you see everything gray and dying outside? Then this Christmas thing...trying to make me happy. Because really, I love Christmas and I celebrate the true meaning. But it's just SO HARD at the same time.

I am not doing cards this year, I thought that may cut out some stress. But at the same time, I feel disconnected from the people I love without that card...should I do them?

I don't know why it hits me so hard. I'm just trying to remember that it will pass. That I am okay. That things will look up.

Warm holiday hugs to all--especially if any of this rant resonates with you.

Monday, November 14, 2016

So far.

I'm at my dermatologist's other office....it's in the same building that I could hardly walk into 14 years ago.

Sometimes progress takes time. Just keep going forward.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Fall for fall.

Been going through a bout of seasonal affective disorder...the clocks just changed last night but I've been feeling it. The weather is cooler and for some reason I just want to curl up and do nothing but feel bad when I do that. I've got myself in one of my damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don't modes. 

Yesterday though, I got on the road to visit a friends and the fall colors were lovely. Yes, it was cool but it was beautiful. I had to remind myself that when things aren't so great, there is still beauty there. I have to remember to practice gratitude more.

Plus, having a cute Jeep is great for that. And with country music and open road, it was kind of nice. It's fun to like driving again (for the most part) after dreading it for soo many years. More good stuff there, too. Just gotta remind myself of it:)

How are you handling the shift in seasons? Does it get to you?

Monday, October 17, 2016

Soaring.

Dropped mom off at Newark Airport today. I went in, forced myself to. I am well enough to cope, but it wasn't easy. Some panic came over me. And yes, horrible thoughts about terrorists that went into that building. How it affects me...still.

I wasn't able to go far--a good thing because if I'd lost sight of an exist, I'd be more frantic--but got her to the security gate. Hard to say goodbye to her on top of all my anxiety but she's off on a trip with her best friend to see her brother. Happy for her.

I left and cried because of it all. And because of where I am as a result. Better, but still wounded.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Set yourself up for success.

I felt like stress was going to eat me alive the other day. I had to drive about an hour away for a meeting with a new client, and all my "old" anxiety feelings came up. It's hard to distinguish old from new. I think it's important, though.

The old fear was happening to me in real time, so it felt new, but the feelings were based on old fears. (My favorite (not): Being trapped.)

I had to go into a corporate building with a ton of security...and ride an elevator. I hate elevators as is, but the last thing you want a prospective client to see if you panicking in an elevator. I didn't. I talked and made conversation in a lighthearted way. I guess tha'ts a coping mechanism. Who cares...whatever works.

I also managed to sit through a meeting and I'm not sure how. It wasn't easy. But I was in a better place than I used to be.

When I was sick, it's not that I could have done these things and just pushed through (well, I could have and probably had negative results.) I had to wait until I did some healing. Set myself up for success, if you will.

Really, I had to give myself permission to not do things that were out of my league for a while. Maybe sitting in the foyer of this monster buildingwould have been possible when I was acutely sick, but not the whole going in an elevator to the second floor and sitting through a meeting. That's okay, though. I guess that's what I am trying to say.

It was hard to purposefully not strive to do hard things...I thought that by doing them I'd get better. You don't really overcome those hard things/fears unless you set yourself up for success. 

Take baby steps. Even if every voice in your head tells you you're weak for not being able to just jump into that hard thing.

Have you done this and succeeded?

Monday, October 3, 2016

Tomorrow.

The sun is out. Why am I inside if the sun is out? It's been cloudy/raining for about a week here at the Jersey Shore. I was just working a bit and headed out to take a walk so I can chase the sun.

Things have been kind of rough here. You know when you're going through a hard time and you're at the stage where you know you're coming out of it, you have faith you will, it's just like...when? And every time you think you're out it's like, no? Yeah, that's been me. For two months. With work.

Work has been really slow and I guess for some people who cares, but self-employment is so different. Thank God (seriously, thank you, God) that my finances didn't suffer, but I definitely went into the mindset of when I was younger and broke and conserving every dime. (And then splurging on Starbucks as an indulgence. Hey, I get a free drink every now and then with my rewards!)

Anyway, it just brought me back to this old mindset place. And while I wasn't like, totally depressed, (awesome to see how much I've grown since the days when I would be devastated by something) I was very down. It's not easy to just do nothing or work on other projects when you're not working and perfectly capable of it.

Today the sun came out, and I had a call about a new gig and things are coming in. Slowly, surely. The sun has come out in many ways. But sometimes, it's just nice to actually see it, too.